Losing A Friend but Gaining Myself

I am a tad bit upset today because I lost a friend last night. But I’m not surprised by it at all. I said to myself when I met him, “Jazz you have no business being this guy’s friend.” And truthfully, I did not. I already knew he and I were on two separate planes, polar opposites and when he told me all he needed was me and some other female (who turned out to not be what he thought) he considered a friend when he got his new job, I knew this was headed toward disaster.

He has such a strong personality and presence, people respond positively to him and some just get tired of his mouth but he doesn’t care. He’s very dominant and commanding but also very aggressive and verbally abusive if you cross him. His time is very precious to him and if you waste it, he’s done with you. There is no boundary on who he will come for, if upset, no one can really put him in “check”. While he did lend some very helpful advise I just don’t need a alpha wolf who will step on others in my life. I don’t need someone in my life that would potentially hurt me mentally and physically.

I’ve been noticing this trend with people as of late that I make friends with. I’ve been making friends with people who are atheist and agnostics while little old me is Christian and I end up holding those people close to me. I’m not saying I’m trying to save their soul from hell, far from it. But I think the only reason I gravitate to certain people I do talk to and become friends with is because deep deep within I feel like they need help. They’re always going through something. When I met him HE was going through something but he quickly is getting his self together. I don’t know why I just naturally am a nurturer. No matter what I do in life I have to put others before myself. He could call me out of my name today but if he needed help and I could help him I would without hesitating.

The same things he told me last night were things my father would say to me and while I do agree with them both. Something in me just keeps saying over and over again, “do it your way, do it your way”.I don’t know if its me trying to fight it or if I should do it my way. But I know I am the solution to my own problem.

The life they want for me, is not the life I want for myself. They want me to socialize, get out there, keep striving and striving. But that’s not what I see for myself. If I could picture my future it would be me coming home from work, relaxing, doing something I love to do and maybe I might go out and do something or stay in that day. Of course I’d go to church.

I don’t want to be a socialite, I don’t want to be big among people and known. I just want to be me and happy within me first before I bring anyone else into my life and its just that simple. I’ve tried so hard to latch onto people and see if I can grow that way and survive off of their energy. It’s a repetitive cycle that I’ve gone through and enough is enough. I need to strip myself of this reliance. It’s obvious that, that is not working for me and he was just the icing on the cake when I tried piggybacking off of him too.

Yes I am a introvert, I DO want to be alone. My life with my family is a mess but I do have a nice job. The issue I keep having, the inner conflict is I’ve never actually been alone. I need to experience being alone first to decide if thats really what I want in my life. I’m not some 40 year old that has something to lose if I let go. I’m 24, I have plenty of time to pick back up again.

The good thing about people is, they’re always around. So if I do decide, “Okay being alone isn’t really what I want” when I am alone. Then I can finally just put that chapter to rest in my life and be a sociable girl. With that being said right now, that’s what I want to strive for and also I’m going to strive for putting people in check. Because if anyone ever talks the way to me the way he did last night, calling me names and throwing my life in my face as if I’m pathetic “We’re done.” You’re not worth my time. I know he wanted me to really fight him back and defend myself but there was no need to, he was right and I’m not going to argue if you’re right. Even though it was vicious and vulgar on his delivery, in that message I got what he was trying to deliver and he literally spent hours trying to drill it in me. He really cared but in his own way. He just wanted me to come out of my state of depression and confusion.

In the mist of that I brought up a newly fresh wound to him regarding the friend that he thought was someone he could trust. I thought that the information I had would help him and it didn’t. He actually ended up lashing out wildly on me as if I had stabbed him in the chest and stood there just watching him bleed. Now that I think of it I kind of did, intentionally. But I’m not sorry about it at all. He needs to bleed a little. So yeah, it was selfish of me but he’ll get over it. He needs to do the same thing and be on his journey alone he doesn’t need me or anyone and he never did. The only thing I wanted from him was his presence and I had it but I don’t need it.

With that I ended our friendship and I’m okay with it because we’re not healthy for eachother.


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