Life and Getting Comfy in my Shoes

So I finally did it, I got my driver’s license and a car. Age 24 yes I’m a late bloomer. I was scared  out of my mind to start driving at 22. Took me two years to finally get the hang of it but the point was I wanted to take the test only one time and when I started driving on my own I wanted to be confident not half sure. That’s my inner Virgo coming out. But its a blessing. I’m working on what I want to do with my life. The next major chapter is either going to be moving out of living with my mom or going back to college.

At this point in time I’m a little irritated by every area in my life. My job being number 1. My current position is unfortunately packed with a whole bunch of whiners and stuck ups that feel like they’re entitled. They also try to push the social aspect on people. Don’t get me wrong I’m not anti social I will socialize if I have to or its required but its not, therefore I don’t feel the need to get to know someone at work or become friends. At the end of the day, all of us come to work for one thing, money. I don’t want to mess up my income try to befriends with Mr. Crabs or Spongebob. Sometimes I can bounce back and feel unaffected. Other times I don’t and I just don’t care about performance or anything. I would like a job that pays well but also doesn’t force me to be social with everyone. I want to come to work, do my job and leave. I don’t need the extras.

Family, they’ll always be irritating and in my life, nothing I can do about it.

Friends, they’re not even friends just people I game with.

Dating…goodness it’s iffy. I can’t even find proper friends how am I going to find a guy that’s going to stay in my life permanently…..by choice. I’ve tried talking to guys, meeting them, dropped weight to look ultra sexy and don’t get me wrong. I have met some pretty decent guys but there’s always that feeling of un-fulfillment. Like if I wanted to, I could fake this whole relationship and pretend to make it work. Force myself to think he is the one. But I’d never cheat myself or another person like that. I started talking to this guy and he seems okay, he makes a lot of money and he mature in his 30s. But he curses and when I talk to him he never asks about me, if he does it’s because I initiate it. I don’t want a guy that I have to force to get to know me or that I know more about him than he does me when there’s not a lot to know about me anyway. So single it is.

I’m a simple girl. I want a job that pays well, my own house, car (check, got that) and to be left alone when I feel like it. THAT’S IT! I don’t want a lot and it doesn’t take a lot to make me happy. People always set these “expectations” for me and I feel it too. Even in high school I could feel it. All of the popular kids would look at me and go, yeah she looks like she fits in with us and they would always welcome me with open arms but…it was just never me. Its the same way now even though I’m older and I don’t think it will ever change or go away. People want more out of me like family, friends even some co-workers. And to me I get it, I do but you’re not going to get that out of me. I don’t live to impress others, heck when I die, I die alone. I can’t live on worrying about others want and what they think of me. Yeah I may not talk to a lot of people, do they think I’m stuck up? Probably. Do they think I’m anti social? Most likely. Do they think I’m boring? Sounds about right. But I don’t care it will FOREVER be who I am.

I will always be that girl who prefers to stay home, I will always say no to drinks and smoking, I will always choose a book over going to the club, I will always be a gamer online and yes I will ignore you during a game, I will always be quiet and reserved, I will always be blunt and honest, I wills always be early to everything, I will always think before doing something, I will always take my time, I will always be friendly even to people who don’t deserve it, I will always be that girl who just doesn’t curse, I will always love God,  I will always wake up every now and then angry for no reason…its just who I am! And I’ve been that way. Why do people always have to question it? Why do you want me to feel uncomfortable with myself, like my lifestyle is wrong? I’m just tired of having to feel like I need to prove myself when I know who I am.

That’s where I am right now. Unsure of how to deal with that feeling and unsure of how to express it. I want to just be able and say to myself “Okay Jasmine, you can do this, its nothing”. But this feeling keeps resurfacing. Is it just a reflection of me? Is it me and not the people who has the problem? Where do I begin? What do I change? Do I even need to change?

I’m just going to continue to do this day by day. I’m going to be moving in April to a new place. I’ll get to decorate. That will be my main focus…decorating. It should keep me busy for a while. After that  I’m going to focus on my fitness. I’ve always wanted a six pack and I’ve always wanted to be awesome at yoga. So that’ll be on this list. After I get a handle on that the moving or going to college will most likely come into play.

-EmbraceFlow

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