These past few weeks have been very hard and I truly believe it is because where I am mentally. I’ve always felt like I am looking at the world through a window and just about everyone else is on the other side but now that feeling is magnified. Everything hurts now, I’m so sensitive to words and demeanor and quick to anger when I’m home and can’t tap into myself because of the distractions. Quick to cry when I’m not home.
It’s like I listen to everyone around me and wonder, why? Why do you have to talk junk about someone, don’t you have better things to do? Why do you have to argue over something so simple like a empty water bottle not being yours (my mom yesterday)? Pick it up, throw it away and be done with it. Why do you think you’re better than anyone else? Why are you stressed out over something that takes time, like bills or is your car going to get fixed, you know it will you just have to take things one at time. Is this really what the world is just drawing a circle around our self instead of watching out for everyone else and giving a damn?
I think the best way to describe how I feel is “P.O.D’s Sleeping Awake”. It’s how I’ve been constantly feeling.
I don’t fit in at work. I can’t truly talk to anyone at work because I feel as though I’ll see through their bs and I do. I just don’t like talking to people I know I can’t trust. Plus its work I didn’t accept the job so I could be friends with everyone. I took it for the money. Although I will always be nice, respectable and try to help someone as best as I can. Work has just become a hostile environment for me. I work in a department of a 100 people and I hear them talking junk about me all the time for not socializing and I just ignore them…well I pretend to ignore them because I don’t mess with anyone and I do my job as best as I can.
Home is even worse, although I love my 4 year old niece, she is not my child and it kind of gets frustrating having to constantly take care of her when she was never supposed to be my responsibility. My mom can be very infuriating, she one of those people “stuck in her ways”. She always stresses out, quick to jump to conclusions instead of understanding. I can never talk to her because she doesn’t allow herself time to understand.
I used to get relief by masturbating, now I feel horrible after doing it. I used to get my frustrations out by pouring my heart out to someone but now its unfulfilling because I know they truly don’t understand. Playing games online don’t work either, that was another outlet but now I just end up raging at everyone or feeling like complete crap if a troll joins that decides he wants to harass the only female online. Sleeping on it doesn’t work either. I wake up the next day feeling even worse. I’ve tried praying and that actually does give me a peace of mind but then that feeling still comes back.
I don’t know whats going on but I do know I don’t have any balance in my life at home or work and I know it’s not going to change for a while. I literally can’t afford it too.
If I were truly being honest….I don’t even want a job but I need the money to pay bills of course. That’s the way society is designed. You go to school and get a education so you can get a job and pay bills. You don’t really have a choice unless you come from a family with money or just have money, maybe the lottery. If you don’t get a job you’re either going to end up living off of someone you personally know, depend on the government or just be homeless. Honestly I think its ridiculous. You should have a choice. But that’s a discussion that’s beyond me.
I just want to escape for a good week, maybe even a month or if I can have 1 person in my life to just share my pain and maybe some love that would make it a whole lot better too. I just don’t know anymore. I’ve been saying I feel stuck but I’m truly not, everything is just in the air.
The phrase “Get comfortable being uncomfortable” keeps coming to mind. Maybe I just need to adjust, maybe I am outgrowing my surroundings and need to get away. Maybe I’m closing myself to the possibilities and these things are happening to force me to open to them.
All I know is, I’m blessed to be alive today. Everyone in my immediate family is in good health. I still have a job and can look forward to a paycheck. I have a car. I have shelter. I have food. I have a lot of things people wish for, hope for, pray for. Sometimes I feel like I’m ungrateful for wanting more but I do thank God for it just about every day.