Conversations with my Innerself

I always take the time to ask myself. What do you want to do with your life? But this time around it’s different. Let’s really talk.

Innerself: What’s your goal in life?

Me: To be happy.

Innerself: And what makes you happy?

Me: Good question. Right now what I do to be happy is creating jewelry. I love playing online games, Dota mostly. I love being alone. I like going out and doing things on my own. I love connecting with people that I can be myself around without holding back. I love reading romance novels. I love thinking up my own romance novels.

Innerself: Great, that you are aware of what makes you happy currently but what about the future you? What do you want to do to continue this happiness?

Me: Well one of the things that constantly runs through my mind is envisioning myself as a care free woman. Walking around on the grass with barefeet in a sarong. Hair wrapped up in a beautiful African scarf smile for days on a nice bright sunny day. Fully confident in my body because I take care of it and feel beautiful.

Innerself: That seems like something that CAN be accomplished. Why haven’t you tackled this yet?

Me: Because I don’t know where to start. Sometimes I feel like a trash can that needs cleaning and when I do get ready to start instead of cleaning the trash can I just put a bag over it. Basically what I’m saying is. When I do start I’m not at 100%. I’m usually at  20%, 50% and not or 90%. This is where it stops for me. This is where it always stops. This is my biggest obstacle. Weight has been a issue for a few years now. The most weight I’ve ever dropped was 30 lbs then I put it all back on again.

I don’t want to count freaking calories for the rest of my life. I don’t want to macro this or that. I don’t want to keep consuming boxed foods. I don’t want to eat at fast food restaurants. I don’t want my food cooked in used oil or vegetable and oil. And I damn sure don’t want to keep worrying about someone eating my food after I have prepped a whole week worth of food just to be ruined. I want to be healthy, strong and flexible.

Innerself: It takes time to get to 100% sometimes you have to start on nothing to get to something. What are you going to do to change that? What are you going to do this time around? You know it won’t be easy.

Me: Honestly, I just want to do it. I feel like I just need to jump right in and let it work its self out. Usually when I would start to work out I’d give up because sometimes to hard or too challenging but this time I’m going to keep trying to improve.

Innerself: It sounds like you’ll get to 100% soon.

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