Daddy Issues

This post is very personal and I just had to get it out of my system somehow. My mom is the only one that truly understands this situation because she’s been there first hand with me.

Today I went to church to see my step mother speak and she spoke a good word about how the chosen ones for God can not be of this world. You have to detach yourself from the poison and toxic like gossip, what the flesh wants, greed even certain food. But I couldn’t really enjoy the message because the whole time she was speaking it just made me so incredibly sad. What she was saying was true and the things she said you’re not going to hear just anybody say them its very rare. I wanted to hear more and its what I’d like to be around. But I just couldn’t help but think, my dad along with my step mom were there presenting themselves like they are so holy yet. My dad has basically done everything to avoid his family and she is perfectly fine with that.They live in a completely different state. Now, I can pick up the phone and call him to talk about  nonsense or be lectured anytime say I love you’s but that’s it and that’s how its always been even when he lived here. Yeah in the past, he’d call and ask if myself or my sister wanted to hang out but at some point I had given up on a real relationship with him or my step mom. First of all my step mom talks to me like I am just another person not a step daughter or family, she never had any intentions of a real relationship. She told me once after doing my hair that I could text her anytime if I had questions. So I took advantage of that and texted her once, she responded back asking who I was. After I said my name she said which one are you. Then her response to my question was one word. After that I didn’t attempt to call her or text because she made it obvious she didn’t want to be bothered.

My dad on the other hand. Would never support us financially if we needed something for school or just to have fun it was a no and I learned that the hard way. I remember once I had a school field trip and he had took me to the mall with him we spent 3 hours walking around trying to find a pair of sneakers for him that were over $100. I had never had anything on my feet over $30 lol. After that I asked him for some money to just have fun on the field trip and I had to beg him because my mom had no money for it and I was already miserable being constantly picked on at school. So a few days later after giving me the run around he brought me a bag full of pennies, nickles and dimes. I think about $20 worth and told me that’s all he had. The first and only time my dad ever handed me any type of paper money was on a random day. It was $10 and he told me to spend it wisely. That’s it as far as money. He did pay child support but all of that went to groceries and rent that my mom had to pay.

I went a few years without new school clothes too. I had to wear the same sneakers everyday the same pants every other day. School was tough especially being black because black kids are taught to hold name brands to the highest regard. So if you don’t have name brand, you’re a loser and you get picked on, might even get beat up. On top of that you couldn’t tell your family. I did once and it came back 10 x worse because a few girls constantly tried to fight since their parents found out. Maybe he thought I just wanted money out of him but I would ask all the time just for new clothes nothing expensive. I’d even ask for walmart clothes anything new to stop a little harassment. I didn’t want to be the kids friend but I didn’t want them constantly picking on me. On top of that there was the issue of food, sometimes there wasn’t enough money for food. Even with the child support my mom just didn’t make enough money. I told my dad this and instead of trying to help he took my mom to court to get custody and end child support so he wouldn’t have to pay. A new house, new car but you can’t help your kids in any way.

I would go over his house and not feel welcomed. My sister and I couldn’t go in the refrigerator without his permission or any food. Always had to do chores. When he got married to my step mom he gave my sister and I bedroom to his step kids. He never told us, just gave it to them. We found out later when we came over that we had no room so it really made me feel not wanted. He has done more for them than us combined.

My step sister has my dad and her dad, TWO DADS! And she’s still miserable. I only wanted one. Now that I’m older and my sister he’s more obliged to really show there’s no support. You’re grown now you have you’re own lives. I remember when I was kid I used to look up to him, he knew/knows karate. I used to brag about him to my friends describe him like the hulk. I used to call him every other day asking if we could ride bikes or hang out and he’d always tell me he had to work. Then after  awhile I gave up. One night he did call me to ask if I wanted to ride bikes but it was with my step mom and her kids. At the time since I was younger I felt like it was her fault that he’s like that. So I said no and I said no every other time he asked me to come out. One time he did force me to meet my stepmoms family I was about 16 years old. It was the most uncomfortable I had ever been we stayed over there house for hours. There was no one for me to talk to so I just sat on the floor until it was time to leave. I’m antisocial by nature. At the time I didn’t take well to strangers, I had anxiety issues and I was very depressed. I just didn’t have a good childhood I was always depressed always angry always alone. My sister was in her own world trying to be popular, hang out with guys and fit in. I never wanted that stuff.

As I got older he did do a few things like let my step mom do my hair for free because she was a hairstylist or go out to dinner with my step mom and him. When I was around 20 I went out of state to visit him he taught me how to drive for 2 weeks too but was very irritated the whole time doing it because he had to do it right after work. After that I asked when I could visit again and my stepmoms response was “For how long?”. Not only was it rude but I was working at the time so I couldn’t stay for too long less than a week but after that I just stepped away from asking because it let me know she probably didn’t enjoy me being there for 2 weeks if she was concerned about the length of time.

Minus all of what I’ve said. They’re still great people. You can learn plenty of life lessons and I understand their ideals. To move on even if everyone isn’t satisfied with what they’re choosing to do. I understand that but the actions of the years speak louder than words. No matter how much they talk about God. My dad’s not a good dad and my step mom is not a good stepmom. What’s bothersome about it is, they’re okay with that because of their ideal that they can’t make everyone happy. And if I were to tell my dad all of this I think he would apologize but that’s it. I’m 25 years old I think he would expect me to be over it and grow up. But it still hurts and its always bothered me.

So now, I don’t call my dad at all. I think about doing it but I don’t. I ignore his phone calls most of the time. I have my mom but sometimes I know she just wants her time away from me or gets tired of having me around and wants her space but she’s the only one I really have, My sister isn’t even my sister anymore she’s someone else like a butterfly that now has turned into a sloth. My one aunt who used to be my favorite because she was always there for me as a kid is now too caught up in her husband who is constantly pretending to cheat on her but no one wants him. My other aunt is too busy pretending to have it all together then smothering my grandma with her 3 kids and starting drama with anyone who spends too much time with my grandma that could possibly take her spot. My grandma’s too busy talking crap about everyone and thinking everyone has stolen from her and the people at her church are against her, which they are but she still constantly goes to church. My uncle moved to another state like my dad for unknown reasons.

So to say the very least, I’ve kept my distance and I’ve given up on the whole “relationship” thing with just about anyone except my mom and my little 5 year old niece. I know its unhealthy but today just reminded me of WHY I do what I do. The rest of my family thinks that I am anti social because I don’t call, visit, try to hangout and I’m not going to lie. If it were up to me I probably would be home 90% of the time because I love home its the only place where I don’t have to deal with the expectations of the world. I can just be me. But like I said earlier my welcome can sometimes be worn out by my mom she wants her space too.

Sometimes I feel like my whole family is toxic. I just want to get away. Find a guy, fall in love and just move to an island forget about everyone but that’s most likely not going to happen so I’m going to set forth a plan. Save up and move. I don’t know where I’m going to move or work but it’s gotta happen. I just have to be able to wake up in the morning and not have to answer to anyone anymore it has to happen.

I am capable of healing and moving past this. But like a fat woman trying to lose weight, if you set that plate of pancakes in front of me I’m tempted to go back into the bad habits. I need to separate myself. I’ve been saying this for a long time but it is more evident now than ever.

P.S.I’m not checking over typos this was mentally draining to even express.

-EmbraceFlow

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One thought on “Daddy Issues

  1. hey,,… thanks for sharing. I was/am in a similar boat. I think I have learned from it. Although i never had the “conventional” family, I was happy i didn’t live in a house where parents were forcing themselves together.. you cant hide that from kids. You grow up a bit faster don`t you when both are not around all the time. I think it makes you a bit stronger actually! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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